What Moms Really Want for Christmas (Spoiler Alert: It’s Not a Hippopotamus)

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If you’re reading this, congratulations…you’ve made it to Level 11 of 2020. 

But there’s no telling what trickery Level 12 is going to bring.

Santa is cancelled?

Carol Baskin’s missing husband is found alive?

At this point, if my cat started speaking Spanish I wouldn’t be shocked.

One thing we can expect is the merriment of Christmas. And now more than ever, moms deserve a gift that will spark joy. So without further delay… 

*taps glass* I present a few alternatives sure to yield cheer in the finale of 2020.

  1. A generator.
    Too soon, Okies? Power outage PTSD is real for those who experienced the sorcery of the Oklahoma ice storm in October. After 10 days without electricity, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how high my serotonin levels soar just from turning on a lamp. If you already have a generator, get another one. We are moving to Level 12. This is not a drill.
  2. A Serenity Candle
    When we light this, please don’t talk to us. In fact, don’t even make eye contact. It’s a Code Candle, and we need a Mom Moment.
  3. Our car detailed.
    …So when we sit in it for “self-care”, we can lower our blood pressure instead of taking inventory of the old French fries and whatever else is back there in the abyss.
    BONUS GIFT: Check the tire pressure, fill up the tank, check the oil and wipers. I mean basically become a mechanic, could you please? If we learned nothing from #1, it’s that we may need to live out of our car in 2020. #WhatATimeToBeAlive
  4. Sage. Lots of sage.
    Unless you’d like to call Ghostbusters, sage is the cheaper route. Because moms can’t tolerate the voodoo of 2020 creeping into 2021. We need fresh vibes. You know what? While you’re at it, throw in some lavender and Himalayan bath salts.
  5. For our kids to actually eat what we cook (without complaining).
    This would be a Christmas Miracle. Do I even need to elaborate?
  6. More of any of the following:
    Dry shampoo, coffee creamer, Target gift cards, Starbucks gift cards, more dry shampoo, a purse without enough crumbs to feed a platoon of soldiers, hope, tacos, big sunglasses to hide the tired. Moms, am I forgetting anything?
  7. For someone else to clean the house…but not like that, the RIGHT way.
    We’d love to see the piles on the stairway put away, the bathroom scrubbed or the laundry done without us asking. We’re tired, bone-tired, from making everyone else’s world spin. A clean house, and I can’t stress this enough, would mean the world to us.  
  8. A good family picture.
    We know. Wearing the coordinating outfits and walking into a field of wheat is asking a lot. BUT…it’s making all of our wildest dreams come true. In fact, it might rival the high of taking the lid off a Bath & Body Works candle. Please, embrace this and don’t complain.  
  9. More Advil.
    Our back hurts. Oh, and we have a headache.

Moms, feel free to weigh in. What would YOU like this year?

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