There’s a new syndrome that’s sweeping the nation.
Turn on the TV and you’ll see the inflicted plastered across the screen on shows like Good Morning America. (Affluenza anyone?) Peek into any classroom and you’ll witness first hand many little kids already in the early stages.
This terrifying ailment is called Special Snowflake Syndrome.
What is Special Snowflake Syndrome? That’s easy. It is basically narcissism that is combined with an out of control sense of entitlement. People who suffer from Special Snowflake Syndrome many times don’t even realize that they have it. However, it’s easy for the passerby to spot. The children who are developing Special Snowflake Syndrome expect adults to cater to them completely, and they think that the world revolves around them.
The grown adults who have Special Snowflake Syndrome expect and demand special treatment, and they walk around with an air of pretentiousness. They are frequently seen yelling at customer services reps about something that’s out of their control, belittling waiters and waitresses, and full on raising Cain over life’s simple inconveniences. They use phrases like, “Do you know who I am?”
The scary part is that the sickness sneaks up on us, and no one is immune. My own children have all shown symptoms of varying degrees at one point or another. The symptoms are all gradual until one day. BAM. Your 6-year-old throws a tantrum because they don’t get a toy at the store. Or your preteen slams their door because they don’t have the latest and greatest gizmo or gadget.
So without further ado, here is a guaranteed recipe that’s the perfect mixture to ensure that your children grow up to have Special Snowflake Syndrome:
Step 1: Never never say the word “no”.
The word “no” is basically straight from the Devil’s lips. Instead, replace it with things like “maybe later” or if a child is in a dangerous situation simply say something along the lines of, “The highway is full of cars. Why don’t we try keeping the car door shut while I’m driving instead of opening it and peeking your head out. That’s a better choice.” See? Easy.
Step 2: Teach them to have a complete disregard for authority figures such as, but not limited to, cops, firefighters, teachers, and elders.
Make sure that you always argue with the teacher if your child is caught misbehaving because, let’s be real, your child would NEVER act like that. Teach them fun games like “Run From The Cops”. Also, don’t teach your son to be a gentleman. It’s 2016 after all. Instead, never even think about suggesting that he hold the door open for the old lady behind him at the store. That’s what she has arms for.
Step 3: Make sure the world always revolves around them.
For example, when you go to drop your child off at school don’t be considerate of others and pull all the way up in the lane so other parents can unload their kids at the same time. That would make Little Johnny have to walk! The world revolves around your kid, remember? Instead, park directly in front of the door so you’re precious snowflake has a straight shot into the building. It doesn’t matter that there’s a teacher directing the traffic and overseeing all the kids on the sidewalk. Your future Special Snowflake needs the shortest walk possible.
Step 4: Cater to your child’s every whim.
You need to go to the store but Timmy wants to watch his favorite cartoon? Be sure to stay home. You and your husband haven’t gone out on a date in 7 years because your “little” doesn’t want to stay at Grandma’s house for 2 hours? Do. Not. Go. I repeat, do not go. If you leave your child with a sitter, Grandma, or trusted family friend your child will not recover from the trauma ever.
Step 5: Never give them ANY responsibilities.
Did Sally forget her homework for the 3rd time straight this week? Deliver it to her classroom. In fact, if your child doesn’t want to “waste time” on homework, do it for them. How will they ever learn if their homework is a little too challenging anyway. Also, be sure to buy them the puppy they demanded and promised to feed, however never actually make them do any of the work.