A Tale of Two Titties – Mama’s First Mammogram

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“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times…” 

Wait… Did Charles Dickens write a book about a mammogram? Because that is the perfect description of a mammogram.

I realize that I’m a complete and total weirdo. I am enamored with a lot of things most people find repulsive. Things like going to the dentist, crime scene or traffic collision investigations, and even the science of decomposition are SO very interesting to me. I know – ew. So, it should come as no surprise that I have been looking forward to having my first mammogram for YEARS, and after my 40th birthday in January, I scheduled it immediately. My older relatives had hyped it up into a terribly painful, awful experience, but I hoped for the best. Throw a little global pandemic in the mix, and it really had potential to be terrible. 

I got there early, and had already printed off and completed the paperwork that was provided on their website. The bubbly receptionist seemed surprised that the forms were even available on the website, so I was the teacher’s pet before my appointment even began (insert hair flip here). When the radiology tech came to get me from the waiting room, I could see her smile behind her surgical mask, and I knew it was going to be easy peasy. I entered the back hallway and walked past a few nurses typing their notes behind the desk. With a full-circle wave, I said, “Hello friends! First time! Thrilled to be here!” It got me a chuckle, and I could hear them laughing as I continued down the hall. 

Still waiting for your first mammogram? Here are a few notes to hang on to for that fateful day:

  • The drapey capey thing they give you to cover your northern hemisphere isn’t good, and I mean not even a little bit. It might be easier for you if you’re a card-carrying member of the itty bitty tittie committee, but I feared my nipples might have been peeking out from underneath that hideous crop top like the pendulums swinging at the bottom of a grandfather clock.
  • There will be a complete and total stranger handling your jugs in ways you never thought possible. They may even say surprising things you might expect to hear only at the beginning of a weird adult film audition – things like “I just love fatty breast tissue”, or “Your breasts take great pictures.” 

…drifts off in thought of what alternate career paths might’ve looked like…

Nevermind, I’m back.

  • The boob squish is exactly that – a big squish. A lot of big squishes, in fact, and it wasn’t just the boob. My tech did several scans that included armpit tissue (side boob) and chest tissue (top boob). I know there are more anatomically-correct labels for this, but this is how I can best describe it. To get those scans, you might have to be torqued into some Cirque du Soleil positions, but only for a few seconds. 
  • Not gonna lie – I had a small nightmare standing there wondering what kind of mess this would make if you were breastfeeding. OMG.
  • Use the bathroom before you change into the SuperBoob cape. It will minimize your time zooming through the hallways in that smokin’ hot outfit. Just trust me. 
  • I did ask my tech if I could see the pictures. She agreed but reminded me that she couldn’t tell me anything about them. Ladies, it was INCREDIBLE! A 3D image of your boobs?? It was crazy! Definitely ask to see your pictures. That was super cool. Did I immediately go out to my car and Google “mammogram images of breast abnormalities” and try to compare what I’d just seen with Dr. Google? Of course, I did. I’m not a monster (or a doctor, obviously). 

I am monumentally lucky to not have any known strains of breast cancer in my heritage, so this mammogram was merely a scan to verify no abnormalities, and after receiving my results in the mail a week later, that was thankfully confirmed. I know not all scans get that kind of result, and I’m monumentally grateful and relieved. If you are approaching your first mammogram, don’t fret. Don’t postpone it. Don’t freak out. It was actually really interesting and wasn’t painful at all. Do it for your melons and the people who love them.

Are you a mamm-pro? Share your tips with our first-timers below! Boob owners UNITE!

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Kelli Bruemmer
Kelli is a native Okie with a larger-than-life personality and an unhealthy dose of sarcasm. She married Bobby in 2011, and they welcomed daughter, Maevyn, in 2013. Maevyn is autistic, and every day is a new adventure in discovering how her unique mind works. Life on their NE Oklahoma City acreage is never dull, and they enjoy RV camping and Sooner football. Kelli is a former law enforcement officer who now works full-time at the Oklahoma Highway Safety Office facilitating programs that keep people safe on our roadways. She also enjoys consulting for Beautycounter, advocating for tougher legislation in the US beauty industry, stifling inappropriate profanity, managing her RBF, looking for the nearest restroom, and trying not to sing Disney songs out loud in public.

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