When Does “Sibling Rivalry” Become Sibling Abuse?

While it is normal and expected for siblings to argue, disagree, and bicker (can I get an amen!), all too often behaviors are written off as sibling rivalry when they actually cross the line into abuse.

Sibling abuse is a significant problem with long-term implications. In fact, sibling abuse is the most common kind of family abuse, with more instances of sibling abuse occurring each year than domestic violence and child abuse combined. People who experience sibling abuse are at increased risk for a range of mental health problems. In my practice as a psychologist, I have worked with many adults who still bear the (literal and emotional) scars of the abuse they experienced at the hands of their siblings. These are kids who grew up being told that “kids fight,” you need to work it out,” and “don’t tattle” while living in terror from their siblings who would punch, hit, choke, or otherwise terrorize them.  

When is it abuse?

A simple rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you would allow this level of aggression to be directed toward your child by any other person. If you would call the principal if a kid talked to your kid that way at school, or go full mama bear at the playground over the same behavior, it should not be happening at your house.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be moments when your kids behave poorly towards each other. It does mean that it is so important that you intervene and help your kids learn to manage conflict and anger appropriately.

But, I thought kids needed to learn to work things out on their own?

They absolutely do!  That is why they need your help to teach them. We want our kids to learn to read, look both ways before crossing the street, and brush their teeth. We eventually expect them to learn algebra and how to drive. We do not expect them to learn a single one of these skills without adults teaching them and supporting them in doing so. 

Why in the world would we think that children should learn all the complexity of managing anger and conflict well without adult help and support? They cannot.  

Letting children “work it out themselves” without providing boundaries, consequences, and coaching just doesn’t work, and ends up creating a situation where might makes right and does not teach how to manage conflict well.  

What You Can Do?

  1. Make your expectations with your children clear regarding the words and behaviors you expect in your home.  
  2. Have clear and consistent consequences for breaking these rules.  Time outs, time ins, removal of privileges, or loss of screen time are all options.  A good consequence is immediate, low drama (from you), and clear.  It may also be helpful to consider a way your kid can make it right with their sibling after a rule is broken.
  3. Especially if there are age, developmental, or size differences, avoid group punishments or assuming that everyone is equally responsible when problems arise.
  4. Teach the skills you’re looking for. Very often sibling aggression happens because a child is angry or frustrated and does not have good tools for addressing these problems.  Instead of stopping at “don’t hit your sister,” acknowledge your child’s frustration and talk through what good ways of managing those feelings might be.   
  5. Model appropriate and assertive communication. This is a hard question for self-reflection, but an important one: if your kids talked to each other the way you talk to them, how would it go? If your kids talked to each other the way you and your partner talk to each other, how would it go? Make sure that you are modeling the behavior you hope for with your children. If this is a challenge, it might be worth seeking support from a counselor or other trusted person in learning to better manage your own frustration.  

2021 is exhausting, and I don’t know a single family where people aren’t sick of each other and struggling more than normal to get along. If you’re struggling with this at your house, know that you are not alone. At the same time, all the upheaval going on in our world means it is more important than ever that our children know they are safe in our walls, particularly that they are safe with their siblings.  

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ursulabowling
Ursula is a wife, mama, psychologist, and friend. She has four children by birth and adoption, including a daughter with Down syndrome. She and the hubs share homeschooling the kids and bringing home the bacon. She loves modern quilting, good coffee, and time with the people she loves.

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