Public bathrooms bring a whole new level of stink to parenting. After the diaper stage has been ditched, my newly potty trained littles quickly became obsessed with all things bathroom. Poop jokes = hilarious, underwear shopping=the bomb.com, public bathrooms=the most fascinating adventures EVER.
Wherever we go, my kids still have to inspect the bathrooms (whether they have to actually pee or not). Bathroom inspecting becomes their life mission. Their passion, if you will. It’s like the store bathrooms are mystical oasis’s filled with intrigue and wonder. Will this one have automatic flushers? Will there be soap this time? Will there be paper towels wadded up on the floor everywhere, or instead will there be turbo charged hand blowers? Only one way to find out!
I’m not proud of it… but one time before we headed out for the day, I told a whopper of a lie. I told my kids they better hurry up and use the bathroom before we left the house because “there is no bathroom at the park”.
Of course there is, in fact, a bathroom at the park. (An especially nasty one that rivals that of a dark and musky port-a-potty.) However, I wanted to avoid accidents and the overall grossness that is taking three small children into the germ infested restroom at all costs.
I’m not typically a germ-a-phob, but public bathrooms are freaking nasty. #thereIsaidit
Taking kids who don’t see the “freaking nastiness” into a public restroom ups the disgusting factor approximately one million percent, and I try my best to avoid the situation at all cost.
But sometimes when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.
Whenever my children go into a bathroom, I inevitably find myself uttering some amusing phrases:
1. “Don’t touch ANYTHING, unless you absolutely must. Even then, try not to.”
2. “We don’t need to announce “IT STINKS IN HERE” when we walk through the door.”
3. “Let’s not peer under the bathroom stalls. People don’t like that. It’s not polite.”
4. “Thanks for the loud play-by-play, but I already know you were pooping. And now the teenager two stalls over knows all about it as well.”
5. “For the love of everything. Do. Not. Open. That. Door. while I’m peeing.”
6. “That bar is not a gymnastics bar. No one is impressed by your flip right now.”
7. “Yes, I have on “skinny” panties. Yes, they are uncomfortable. No, you may not try them on when we get home.”
8. “Next time please pull your pants up before coming out to wash your hands.”
9. “Those words carved into the wall are naughty, and you’re right, it’s really not nice to write ‘Boobs’ on the wall.”
10. “Do NOT put your head in there!!” This was spoken by my husband in reference to my son and a urinal.