The Day They Discontinued My Tampons

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Ooof. Y’all.

Look… I’m a reasonable person. I recognize that now, in my early 40s, I should be much more amenable to small changes in my everyday routine. I should have learned to roll with the punches by now, right? Small things are just small things, right? I have a CHILD, so shouldn’t I be able to adapt and overcome??

RIGHT??

Kotex discontinued my favorite tampons. Turns out, as you’ll see in that link, I’m not the only one losing my mind. They’re not “out of stock”. Not “supply chain issues”. They’re not stuck in a shipping container beached in the Suez Canal. When I tell you this has shaken me, I’m dead serious. I stood steamy-eyed in the tampon aisle at Walgreens last week, unable to make a decision. Every other tampon leaks. EVERY OTHER ONE. I bought three small boxes of different makes and models, and YEP… LEAKAGE. This is not like the mind-blowing decision that Bath & Body Works made by discontinuing Country Apple back in the day. (Why did we like this one, again?) All I want is to be able to go to work and do my life without worrying about my tampon. Kotex gave me that. This is about security. This is about comfort. This is a serious offense, ladies. I. Am. Disgruntled. 

Right about now, I’m sure you’re finding yourself in one of four categories of women reading this:

    1. “Just find another brand and adapt. You’ll be fine. This isn’t a big deal.”
    2. “Just wear a pad with it.”
    3. “Try a menstrual cup!
    4. “Oh, HELL NO.”

Ladies of Group Three… and I say this with all due respect… HELL NO. 

I’ve read every box in the Target aisle on these monstrosities. I’ve considered it. I’ve googled it. I’ve met people who swear by them. But it’s a no from me, dawg.

I know we’ve all been through hell the last two years with parenting and homeschooling and masking and trying to hide our allergies because people look at you crazy in Crest if you sneeze. But now we’ve got people touting the idea of putting a special blood-collecting cup up your glory hole to gather a whole day’s worth of clots, and then empty, rinse, and repeat? Who came up with this? How do you do that in the ladies’ room at On Cue? Do I wait until the bathroom is empty, waddle to the sink, rinse my bloody cup off, and waddle back to the stall? I CANNOT, y’all. Maybe if I stayed home all day, this would work, but for a human blessed with lady bits out in the world all day, NO. Some of y’all have never been heavy bleeders, and it shows.

If given the choice to save the planet with menstrual cups or paper straws, I will suffer through paper straws for the rest of forever. I’ll complain, but I’ll do it.

Ladies, at 42, I can change a tire. I can come up with a dinner recipe at a moment’s notice with minimal ingredient availability in the fridge. I can do a lot of things, but not this. Give me back the good tampons, Kotex. I’m not prepared for these kinds of curveballs. 

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Kelli is a native Okie with a larger-than-life personality and an unhealthy dose of sarcasm. She married Bobby in 2011, and they welcomed daughter, Maevyn, in 2013. Maevyn is autistic, and every day is a new adventure in discovering how her unique mind works. Life on their NE Oklahoma City acreage is never dull, and they enjoy RV camping and Sooner football. Kelli is a former law enforcement officer who now works full-time facilitating programs that keep people safe on Oklahoma roadways. She also enjoys consulting for Beautycounter, advocating for tougher legislation in the US beauty industry, stifling inappropriate profanity, managing her RBF, sharing inappropriate memes, looking for the nearest restroom, hiding her love of Taylor Swift, and trying not to sing Disney songs out loud in public.

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