You may call me crazy.
You might call me naive, ridiculous, or roll your eyes if you want.
But you know what?
I. DON’T. CARE. Because I’m going to say it anyway:
I. HATE. SUMMER.
Seriously. Every single part of summer I hate.
First of all, the heat.
People who do not live in the south/Midwest do not understand anything about our climate. While many folks up north enjoy breezy summer days, we’re down here sweating profusely after venturing out to our mailboxes. And let me tell you, no Braum’s coupon is worth the boob sweat.
Second: what in the world are we supposed to eat for dinner?!
Lunch is easy: sandwiches. But dinner? What am I supposed to feed the small army that I’ve created when its 119 degrees inside the house? You better believe I am NOT lighting the oven and making it hotter than Satan’s armpit when I’ve already got every fan in the house on, the A/C turned to 68, and we’ve still all got swamp butt. I am not making my home into a reenactment of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
You want to go where?!
No. We’re not going to the splash pad. Why? Because it’s overrun with people, Mommy’s 5 months pregnant, and you kids will barely get wet and then cry that it’s so hot and ask to leave while Mommy totes three bags of supplies to the car. Oh, you think the water park would be better? HAHAHAHAHA! No.
Again: THE HEAT.
I use a windshield cover. I even put a towel over my steering wheel. But you know what happens every time I get in the car after going inside Target for ten minutes? I go to start the car and my hands are burned like when that German guy picks up the medallion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Not only that but somehow—defying the laws of physics—my thighs meld to the leather seats in my Honda. Getting out to run into 7-11 for an Icee is comparable to getting your legs waxed.
Every day is expected to be great and entertaining.
“It’s summer: get out with your family and explore! Enjoy the weather! Your kids will be going back to school soon—soak up every minute you can!”
Hard pass. You know what WE will be doing? Shutting the blinds, chugging lemonade, and avoiding any kind of activity that would force us outdoors. This family will be “reverse-hibernating”. Instead of sleeping all winter and waking when it’s warm, we’ll be holed up inside our ice castle of refuge, away from the blazing sun, and we will emerge pale-legged and ready for action come October.
I’m not a woman who wears scarves or cute sweaters or counts down the days until “PSL Season”. I just want to wear leggings without fear of leaving a pool of sweat in a chair. I want to feel the chill of a fall breeze and not melt into the concrete while waiting for my kids to just hurry up and get in their car seats, already!
I want to be able to go for a walk around the neighborhood without fear of heatstroke or worse—my kids seeing the ice cream truck. I want leggings/hoodie/snuggle weather. And most of all, I want what everyone else wants: all the mosquitoes to GO AWAY.
If you need me, I’ll be taking an ice bath and dreaming about football season.