Stranger, You Don’t Have to Apologize

Last week, our family had dinner at a popular new spot in north OKC. The tables were all nicely distanced, everyone was masked, and my mom had reserved us a booth in the back – a welcome detail when dining with a kiddo on the autism spectrum.

Our server came over and said hello, introduced herself, and asked our daughter if she was looking forward to having pizza… a completely appropriate and pleasant way to begin our interaction. I told her that our daughter has autism and that she may not respond to her question, and she immediately put her hand over her mouth and apologized – as if greeting our daughter somehow became inappropriate with this new information. (It’s not!)

I responded that there was no need to apologize, and to feel free to continue to interact with her however she normally would. I usually throw that last part in because a lot of people will just proceed and pretend she isn’t even there, and I can only assume that’s because people don’t think they know how to interact with her. 

As parents of a child with unique challenges, we find ourselves in this situation a lot – even with friends and family. The truth is, every interaction you have with her teaches you more about how to interact with her in the future.

In short, the more you learn, the more you know.

Imagine a world where we apologize for speaking to each person we meet as if they were capable of responding. Imagine a world where we are so worried we’re interacting with someone in the “wrong” way that we don’t do it at all. Nobody wants that. Everyone wants and needs to be spoken to and included as an equal member of society. So, on behalf of special needs parents everywhere, here are a few tips:

  • See a child in a wheelchair or with leg braces? Don’t apologize because things might be a little harder for them. Instead, think about everything they’ve overcome! Let’s celebrate the successes, instead of pitying the challenges. 
  • Don’t be afraid to challenge them. Teachers and therapists: we need some tough love sometimes, so give the work back and/or tell them to try again. Don’t pretend they won’t have to work hard for the things they want. Let’s teach them these lessons in those controlled environments, so they don’t expect the general public to make extensive allowances for them later in life. 
  • Just because they don’t answer you doesn’t mean they don’t hear you and the things you say. When you talk “around” nontypical kids, they absolutely hear you, they know what you’re doing, and they can feel left out. 
  • Try to refrain from telling us how much you admire us or how inspiring we are. We aren’t. We are just doing the best we can with what we have in this crazy world under (sometimes) really difficult circumstances – the same as you and every other family out there. 

We always appreciate the extra patience, but we also want the world to be as normal as possible for our kids. You never have to apologize for utilizing an opportunity to learn. The next nontypical kid you meet will thank you for what you learned the first time.

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Kelli Bruemmer
Kelli is a native Okie with a larger-than-life personality and an unhealthy dose of sarcasm. She married Bobby in 2011, and they welcomed daughter, Maevyn, in 2013. Maevyn is autistic, and every day is a new adventure in discovering how her unique mind works. Life on their NE Oklahoma City acreage is never dull, and they enjoy RV camping and Sooner football. Kelli is a former law enforcement officer who now works full-time facilitating programs that keep people safe on Oklahoma roadways. She also enjoys consulting for Beautycounter, advocating for tougher legislation in the US beauty industry, stifling inappropriate profanity, managing her RBF, sharing inappropriate memes, looking for the nearest restroom, hiding her love of Taylor Swift, and trying not to sing Disney songs out loud in public.

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