Summertime. Laying out by the pool blasting music. Boat trips to the lake. Camping out under the stars.
Ew. No.
I’m so ready for fall.
I realize that summer is a season beloved by many. However, I am not made for hot weather. I have the alabaster pallor of a vampire and a body akin to those zaftig ladies in Renaissance paintings. I am not outdoorsy. I’m very much indoorsy.
Autumn time has the sort of weather that allows accessorizing to accommodate what temperature you want to keep your body at. You can always add more layers if you are cold, but in the summer there are only so many things I can remove if I’m too hot before the cops get called on me for indecent exposure.
I also very much hate most bugs and assorted creepy crawlies.
Don’t get me wrong – I like cute little froggies, ladybugs, butterflies, and even cicadas (my kids and I rather enjoy hunting for their crunchy little shells in trees).
However, the spiders this year have been ridiculous. If I can avoid them out in their elements then we can have a bit of a truce. But when they invade my web, this is an invitation for war. I’d much rather just agree to lead a separate amicable existence with arachnids but it seems they just love me too much to let me go. Perhaps some cooler weather will prompt them to pack their bags and head somewhere tropical. Or perhaps die and go to bug Hades where I believe they belong.
Fall also brings forth lots of cozy feelings.
Spiced cider candle-scented air. Warm cups of cocoa with dollops of whipped cream. Snuggling with the kiddies under a fuzzy blanket. Sounds nice, right? When it’s summer in Oklahoma it’s far too suffocatingly humid and the air smells a bit more like spiced onion armpits and neither of these really make me want to get into close proximity with anyone if at all possible.
Of course, fall is the beginning of all the best holidays. Halloween is when you can dress as you normally would but in the spirit of festivity proclaim that you are in costume as a “frumpy old witch” or “crazy cat lady” whilst devouring copious amounts of tiny chocolates and watching holiday baking specials.
Then right around the corner is Thanksgiving where you get to watch giant balloons get blown around on tv while parade hosts try to make humorous quips about Snoopy that we haven’t heard 500 times before previous years. We then get to feast on so many delicious foods that even an ancient Roman emperor would be like, “Okay…so maybe this is a bit excessive even for ME!” and then post-dinner we get to collapse in a stupor of exhaustion and tryptophan and plan out our best plan of attack for all the Black Friday deals that are somehow worth risking possible bodily injury and jail time in order to purchase. I may only have one good eye left and a permanent limp, but I’ll have six $20 air fryers and eight deeply-discounted Pioneer Woman Crock-Pots and that’s what I call a win any day.
So I know some of you will be mourning the lake parties and the tan lines, but I personally will be celebrating saying adieu to the sun’s deadly laser beams and my sweaty legs getting peeled from my leather seats.
Until then, if you see me out watering my flower garden at dusk in my old nightgown with my hair looking like a feral animal on top of my scalp, just know that I’m getting started early on my “unkempt bridge troll” costume. Be prepared to answer three riddles and pay my toll with tiny chocolate bars if you want me to let you pass.
