Part-Time Mom; Full-Time Mother

“I’m a part-time mom,” I said.

I was sitting among a group of women, and we were talking about mothering and all its related tasks – bed time routines, soccer schedules, school activities.

I had never uttered that phrase out loud. Heck, I had never even thought it. I was instantly embarrassed for having said it, ashamed of what they might think of me as I admitted to the truth that my kids were only with me part of the time. It was no secret that I was divorced, and it was no secret that I had joint custody with my ex-husband, but somehow saying that phrase, “I’m a part time mom,” made me feel so open and exposed.

No one ever gets married and thinks, “Gee, I hope I get divorced one day.”

No one ever has a child and thinks, “Man, I really hope someday I only have 50% custody of this tiny human that I have helped to create.”

And yet, both of those things were my reality.

When my husband and I separated and divorced in 2017, our lives and our schedules quickly upended, and we had to get used to our new normal, which for me, meant only seeing my children half of each week. It was a huge adjustment for us all, and I know for myself, it included a lot of tears, longing, and even anger.

One of the things I did not expect, and that I still feel guilty even admitting, is that I came to enjoy my time alone away from my children when they were at their dad’s house. As mothers, I feel like there is this stigma that you are supposed to want to be around your kids all the time, and that you are always supposed to be happy and joyful with all mother-related activities.

But I can tell you as a single mom who at the time had a three-year-old and a five-year-old, I was exhausted. I was worn out. I was always looking forward to bedtime. And I just plain didn’t enjoy it – or at least, not all of it. It was hard to admit – and still kind of is – but it was true.

And so the days that my kids were with their dad, I loved getting to sleep a full night through without a child waking me. I had hardly done that in six years, so it was magical. I loved cleaning the house without interruption. I loved meeting friends for dinner without having to find a babysitter. I loved watching a show on Netflix that had cuss words.

I felt so guilty for enjoying it all though. I missed my kids terribly when they were gone, and felt like I had failed them. But by working through my feelings with a friend (repeatedly, I might add), I was able to see that I was actually a better mom to them when they were home because of the rest and solo enjoyment I experienced when they were gone.

It has been five years since that separation and divorce. Our lives settled into a routine that was then upended thanks to a global pandemic – however I truly do give thanks in a way because in 2020, I was able to spend five months basically working from home and a large amount of that was with my kids.

In 2020, I also got remarried, and my husband has become a wonderful stepfather to my children. Now when they come to my house, they are doubly-loved, and I feel so grateful for that.

So the truth is, I am a part-time mom. My kids are not home with me every day for me to tuck them in at night, or to help them with their homework, or to make sure they brush their teeth. I have to miss out on some of the daily “mom” duties. But I will never not be a full-time mother.

Just because we are sometimes away from each other, I will always be their mother. I will always love them, support them, pray for them, miss them, teach them, and dream for them.

I will always be a full-time mother. And that’s what truly matters.