The other day I was talking to my husband about my son thinking we had bulletproof windows. The conversation that followed got me thinking about some of things I’ve said since having kids that I NEVER thought would ever come out of my mouth. We often say that “kids say the darnedest things”, but what about us parents? What have you said lately that had you thinking, “Did I just say that?” Or what have you said that had you or someone else rolling with laughter? These are 10 things I never thought I’d say as it relates to being a mother with boys.
1. “No, the windows are NOT bulletproof. You can’t throw rocks at them.”
As you can imagine, this isn’t a cautionary tale, but more of an after-the-fact conversation. My son was playing outside the other day and came in all excited. He was thrilled to tell me about our bulletproof windows. He even wanted to demonstrate. Can you imagine? Let’s just say that nothing is safe in a house with boys.
2. “Don’t Throw Chinese Stars in the Dining Room.”
Luckily, this hasn’t happened in my house, but it comes from my Mother-in-law. We were talking about this article and like all mothers of boys, she had something to add. One day, she came home to find tiny little holes in the dining room walls. When she asked about the holes, no one seemed to know how they got there. Luckily, the evidence was on the stars themselves. There was bits of wall texture on the star tips. Nothing escapes a mother’s notice.
3. “Quit playing with your penis. It isn’t an air guitar.”
What version of this statement have you said? All little boys find it hard to leave their penis alone. It’s a fact of life, but it’s hard to understand just how bad it really is or will be until you have a boy yourself. Their curiosity with their penis goes in stages too. First, they discover it, then it’s if they are afraid they’ll lose it, then the realization hits that it isn’t going anywhere and it moves. It’s an adventure to say the least.
4. “Go wash your hands and be sure to use soap.”
Boys=Dirt. It’s that simple, but getting them clean is another story. I can ask my boys to wash their hands and for them that is a quick run under the water. Soap is completely optional in their eyes. It’s not until I request that they use soap that it actually occurs to them to use it.
5. “Get in the shower and wash your body with soap.”
This comes in with what I just said about hand washing. A boys’ version of a shower would be standing under the water and then you’re done. Soap is a hassle and completely unnecessary. They have actually argued that after going swimming, a bath or shower isn’t necessary because they are already clean.
6. “Where did the loaf of bread that I just bought go?”
I feel like I can never keep groceries in my house. I can bring home a loaf of bread and it will be gone within the day. I’m told that once they become teenagers, it is going to get much worse. I can’t even imagine!
7. “Eeeeek! It’s a mouse! No, you can’t keep it! Get it OUT!”
My youngest would love to bring home every kind of reptile, amphibian, rodent, and insect he came across. I have lost count of the “new pets” he has wanted to keep. I would love to be all for his love of animals, except I have a fear of reptiles and rodents. I see a mouse and I jump onto the nearest chair and scream like a little girl. My kids think it’s the funniest thing EVER! Honestly, I think they make it a point to find the things I can’t stand and bring them to me. Does that ever happen in your house?
8. “Why do I smell smoke?”
I think this one is self explanatory. I don’t know what it is with boys and fire. I can light a candle and they are like moths to the flame. It calls to them. Maybe I’m the only one, but I don’t think so.
9. “No, you don’t need __________, no, we don’t need that _______________. Go put it back. (Repeat 10x)”
This one can go for both boys and girls. I have 2 boys and 1 girl. I find myself saying this so much more with my boys. Plus I say it over and over again without pause. It can be at the grocery store, at the dentist, at school, anywhere. They see and just HAVE to touch it and try to take it home. This may also explain the “new pet” statement above.
10. “Go back in the house and pee in the bathroom. You can’t drop your pants and pee in someone’s backyard.”
I have to thank a friend for this one. She thought it was funny to tell my son that he could pee on a tree when you were outside. Well that started months of getting him to stop. At the time we lived in the desert and it was really fun for him to pee on a tree, a cactus, make lines in the sand, etc. He didn’t understand that you shouldn’t do that, especially when there were people around. He was 3 at the time. I still remember my horror when he dropped his pants in the middle of a crowd. Ohhh the horror!
These are just 10 of the many things I never thought I’d say as a mother. I love my children dearly, but there is seldom a dull moment in my house. To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What are some of the unimaginable things you’ve said as a mom? Please share with us in the comments below.