It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
Just my soul leaving my body as I scoop mac and cheese off the floor of my freshly detailed car.
It’s Chick Fil A mac, too. So not only did I lose my cool, I’m pretty sure six angels lost their wings.
Cleaning this abomination was, and I cannot stress this enough, NOT my pleasure.
Honestly, just getting home without an accidental spill feels like an Olympic sport.
And as the torch-bearers for our children, we might as well be Olympic athletes.
This got me thinking. *Cue Eye of the Tiger
We need a Mom Olympics, and here are my proposed sports:
1. Who can endure the most passive-aggressive comments from their mother-in-law before hurling themselves into the sun.
Start stretching now, sis. That’s all I have to say.
2. Who can go the longest without any form of self-care ever because this is your life now.
No, crying in your closet doesn’t count as self-care. It’s the Olympics. Put on your knee pads, we crying in the colosseum now.
3. Who can throw their spouse the biggest parade for doing the dishes.
Wait, he did what? Mopped the floor, too?? Someone get the piñata and party hats.
4. Who can scroll through Facebook the longest without expressing their unsolicited opinions.
Impossible to win gold during elections. Stay strong, and keep training.
5. Surviving your daughter’s attitude.
6. Surviving your daughter’s attitude.
No, this isn’t a typo. It just deserves to be listed twice. You’ll get bronze at best. God bless.
7. Who can stick the best landing after tripping over your kid’s shoes.
I know you asked them to put the shoes away. But they can’t hear you when you sound like Mary Poppins. It takes turning into Batman to penetrate their ears. It’s biologically proven, I don’t make the rules.
8. Who can carry the most grocery bags without losing circulation in your arms.
Why reserve your strength and make three trips, when you could nearly lose a limb and just get everything in one? Strength was lost, but serenity was gained.
9. Who can look the least dead inside after getting only 2 hours and 37 minutes of sleep every night.
This sport is sponsored by concealer and coffee.
10. Who can post the most pulled-together family photo.
Did you just threaten your child within an inch of his life if he didn’t smile? Yes. But was it worth it to look like you have your life together for strangers on the internet? Apparently, also yes.
There you have it, moms. *Takes a shot of Gatorade
I’m not Simone Biles, but this list made me flip with anticipation.
Now, put on your wreaths of perseverance and let the games begin!