I suck at life right now. Sharp, on-top-of-it me has been replaced with tired, forgetful me. I don’t know if this is temporary or just how I am now.
I returned to work a few months ago after having our third child. The first two times I went back to work after having a baby was harder emotionally; I was full of mom guilt.
This time, it is harder logistically.
The thing of it is, we aren’t even “busy”. By that, I mean that we don’t have a full calendar of after-school activities or youth sports or social events. This isn’t a case of me needing to ask for help either. My husband probably does more than I do!
It takes everything we have to make sure everyone is just clothed, fed, and going to work or school. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but there is so much that goes into making those three things happen: laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, homework, school projects, all while trying to breastfeed a 7-month-old who has yet to sleep through the night.
My focus always seems split, and I feel like every single second of the day there is someone needing something from me.
Here’s my thought process.
As I make sure there is money in the kids’ school folders for Dippin’ Dots day, I am going over a meeting agenda in my head. Then at work, I try to stay on top of the endless emails that need to be answered right away, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I can’t remember if I put my daughter’s eye appointment on the family calendar.
I know that I need batteries. Is that for someone’s mouse at the office or my son’s trains at home? Maybe both? Do I have time to pump right now? Oh, here’s a message from my best friend and a group text from my sisters. I’ll read those later when I have a minute (then proceed to forget and not respond until at least the next day).
By the end of the day, my brain is so tired that I often don’t make time to workout or do anything else that doesn’t absolutely have to get done.
One would think that on the weekends, I would use the extra time to get caught up, find strength in church, and do something fun and enriching with my kids. But I am still tired, and I still do only the things that absolutely have to get done.
While my husband is very patient, it wouldn’t surprise me if one day soon he expresses irritation that our only conversations are centered around the house and kids. Although my boss is understanding, it wouldn’t surprise me if I was called in for a talk about all the little mistakes I keep making. I wouldn’t be shocked if my amazing friends and family slowly stop extending the invitations that I am always declining. Because even if I do actually make it, there’s a good chance I’ll forget the food I signed up to bring on the kitchen counter at home.
Maybe it’s just a season of me adjusting to having three kids. Maybe as they get older, it will ease up a bit. Perhaps my brain chemistry has forever changed.