I Feel Guilty About My Epidural

Hi, I’m Yesika and I’m a super crunchy, all natural, plant-based mom. I’ve always been this way, and I take pride in the fact that I never take any medicine. I believe in natural and holistic healing more than anything, so people are always surprised when I tell them that I had epidurals when I delivered both of my kids. 

When I found out I was having my first son, I was very young and I had no idea what I was doing. Yet I knew that I wanted to have a “natural” delivery because I had always heard that any pain medication or drugs could hurt the baby and have side effects. But when the contractions got strong and I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, I gave in and had the epidural. 

Although I was able to have a successful and healthy delivery with no side effects, thank God, I always felt a sense of guilt when I told people my delivery story. I had friends who had natural deliveries, and for some reason, hearing their stories made me feel ashamed of mine. I felt as if I wasn’t strong enough. I knew that if I ever had another child, I would try my best to be “strong” and have a natural delivery.

When we found out we were pregnant again thirteen years later, I was very excited and ready to give natural delivery a try.  After watching several documentaries, reading countless books on the subject, and even considering a home birth, we decided t0 have the baby at a hospital with natural delivery as my first choice.

In my mind, I felt that I had enough information to make myself go through the process and pain. I wanted to feel the “connection” and “high” everyone talked about, I wanted to feel strong and proud of what my body could do, and I wanted to know that I did everything in my power to protect my baby. But when the time came and the contractions got extremely painful, I gave in and had an epidural again! 

That is right, I couldn’t handle the pain and gave in to the meds once again.

Knowing that I wanted my second delivery to be different and not being able to do it made me feel ashamed and guilty, just like I did with my first child thirteen years earlier. In my mind, I felt as if I had failed my baby, and I somehow believed that I put my child at risk for my own comfort and convenience. This might sound crazy to some people, but epidural guilt is very real, and something that a lot of moms experience.

I now realize that it doesn’t matter how you had your baby; the important thing is that you had your baby. It took me a long time to get over the guilt, but once I was over it, I was able to feel very proud and grateful for smooth deliveries and healthy babies. We, as moms, sometimes forget to be kind to ourselves and understand that sometimes it is ok not to be “perfect”.  I have learned to love my birth experiences and to be proud of them. 

Have you ever felt the epidural guilt?

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