Hello. My name is Jordan and I am a boy mom.
I am the only female in a house full of boys. I have my husband, my 15 year old son, and my two step- sons, (12 and 18, respectively). To say that I am outnumbered would be an understatement. What is it like being the only girl in a house full of boys? Let me tell you.
There is pee.
Everywhere. All the time. I can clean the toilet and before I even leave the bathroom, somehow, someone has magically peed on the floor. Where did they come from?? My 15 year old, when he was about 10, somehow managed to get distracted while going #1 and actually peed on the shower curtain. The white shower curtain. How does that even happen?
Seriously though, what IS that smell? It’s like a mixture of body odor, protein farts and hot garbage. No matter how many Scentsy bars or Bath and Body works candles I buy it doesn’t help. It just makes my house smell like vanilla protein powder and scrambled eggs.
It is SO loud.
So, so loud. It’s like entering a rave every time I come home. Everyone is yelling, doors slamming, tv blaring… no one told me that boys all go deaf upon reaching puberty. Why does every teenage boy have to enter and exit each room like he is a police officer serving a search warrant?
I have a favorite brand of earplug, y’all. That’s where we are with the noise levels in my house.
We have no food.
Ever. These kids act every single day like they haven’t eaten in years. I will be clearing the table after dinner and they will still reenter the room and ask for a snack. Where does it go? Do they have guests hidden in their bedroom closet that I don’t know about?
They are BUSY.
Somewhere between the ages of 12 and 15, they suddenly become the most in-demand person in town. They have school functions, social functions, family functions… there is always something going on that you are not invited to, yet they cannot drive themselves to any of it. So you will get stuck being an Uber driver (minus the tip) for all of the little human beings in your care. I have one in football and one in marching band. Which means I will never again see a free Friday night or Saturday as long as I live.
They are grouchy.
I made my son angry at me today. I felt really bad about it, too. I made a mistake and I should have known better. See, what happened was, I got out of bed this morning and I said “good morning.” That’s it. Now I’ve ruined my son’s entire day. Then I had the audacity to continue breathing after he had already expressed that I was bothering him by doing so. Just back away.
It is a non-stop WWE match in my home.
Hulk Hogan has nothing on these kids. Don’t bother buying fancy knick knacks or nice furniture. Go for sturdy furniture, not pretty furniture. The first time a teenage boy gets body slammed on the couch, you will see whether or not you’re getting your money’s worth. You can buy the delicate, high end sofa when the kids have moved out. Until then, just invest in a good boxing ring and clear a space in the living room. You’ll understand what I mean when your son decides to play football inside the house and kicks the ball through the glass of your china hutch.
Have you truly lived until you’ve been ambushed by an automatic, rapid fire Nerf gun while sitting on the toilet or trying to take a bubble bath?
Also, I hope you like fart jokes. So many fart jokes.
While my home may be a crazy, loud, smelly, food-poor place to be, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. It’s exhausting some days, but there is never a shortage of entertainment and laughs.
Being a boy mom is not for the faint of heart.
But seriously… send help. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my closet with a bottle of wine and a box of Thin Mints.