Confessions of a Professional Sarcastic Mom {Part 1}

I can’t help it, I live my life with a constant stream of sarcastic remarks/thoughts going through my brain! I am a social bee and always have been. I’ve acquired the skill of being able to listen to everyone and everything around me, which in turn gives me lots of material to make sarcastic remarks to my husband and closest friends through text commentary. I listen to everything around me and I especially listen to the things that mom’s say around me. We are over the top emotional creatures. If we really strip it down and are honest about the intensity of the way moms think, and the things we say and are so convicted about, I am positive you would agree that we can be a little cray. I mean, think about it … really think about it! Think about the things that come out of our mouth and the things that we make a big deal about, the things we get worked up about, the things we just “can’t” about, the things that make us laugh a full belly laugh, the things that make us cry at the drop of a hat, the things that get us so angry that we can literally feel our face heat up, and the list goes on and on.

I’ve discovered over time that things can get really out of hand with bitterness, annoyance, and judgment if you don’t look at it as funny and ridiculous and throw in some sarcasm. Let’s confess and laugh!

(Disclaimer: My sarcasm meter isn’t EVER in a place of hate, judgement, or evil. It comes from a place of humor, love, joy, peace, and taking lemons and making lemonade. We all need to laugh!)

Confession #1: Mom’s who have a one track organic mind.

Look, not every Mom is super into organic and that’s okay. But I can’t help but laugh when I am in Sprout’s, Whole Foods, or Uptown and I hear a Mom say to their child, “Mmmmm quinoa, we are going to get this, it’s yummy.” I sometimes make eye contact with the child and I give them a silly look and a shrug of my shoulders and they usually smile back at me and giggle, unbeknownst to momma. I have also heard this line, (Mom to Mom) “Billy loves garbanzo bean cookies made with agave.” Really? Does Billy really like that? Is it because he hasn’t ever had an Oreo Cookie, or a real delicious baked item from McClaren’s Pantry? Because if he did, I’m sure he’d throw that garbanzo cookie in the trash. Look, it’s not a judgment sarcasm thing, it’s a pure hilarious sarcasm thing. The level of organic conversations and the seriousness of the conversations that happens between moms crack me up. Those organic mommas are the same moms who are totally eating Ted’s queso and tortillas with a sodium induced margarita on the rocks in their closet. (We all know it’s true, don’t front!)

Confession #2: Mom’s who make a big deal about “using your words” and other various statements.

Do you really think that your child wants to use their words? It’s really funny because we both know that your child is annoyed and is going to rebel and let you deal with the mess. I’ve seen it first hand where a child is pretty much done with being out in public and is over it, starts to fuss and get annoyed. I can’t help but laugh when a mom gets down on their level and says, “Suzy, use your words! We do not yell and hit, we use our words and make good decisions.” I’m sure Suzy is thinking, “Use your own darn words, I already let you know the first time when I started rubbing my eyes and I’ve had a long day like you, but unfortunately I can’t drink wine like you, so this is my way of letting you know. The End Woman!” It’s also funny when I hear Mom’s say things to their children like, “Is that what you really want?” “We will discuss this when you have calmed down.” “You will need to think about that before I let go of your hand.” As adult women, we would throw a tantrum too if someone was all up in our face saying that stuff to us. We would probably shout back at them “Oh no you didn’t!”

Confession #3: Mom’s who finally have a girl’s night out.

Whoa girl … you turn into the “Wooooooooooo Hooooooooooo” girl. It’s comical and I can’t help but laugh. (Not at you, but at the situation.) I have been in the season when my kids were young where all I wanted was a night out, but to me a night out meant that I got to pack 3 years worth of partying into one night and then expect to be sane out in public. Wrong! The alcohol goes to your head a lot quicker than it used to. I’ve seen the women who I know are moms because at the beginning of the night all I hear them talking about is babies this, babies that, hubby this, hubby that, organic, quinoa, bamboo, pee pee, poo poo, maternity jeans even though you had a baby 2 years ago, breast milk, etc. All of sudden round 3 of drinks gets to their table and the conversation quickly turns to sex, celebrity crushes, lots of selfies, and then “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on and one mom screams, “Yes! I love this song! Woooooooooo Hooooooooo!” and there she goes. She’s up and out of her chair dancing and singing to her other mom friends. Wait, let’s back up. All the moms have made sure to do a Facebook “check in” to the place they are having a “Much needed GNO with the best girls ever with NO KIDS!” just in case anyone was wondering that on this particular Friday night she was not home with kids and laundry, but she was out at an actual adult place with women having drinks and not wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. We know the routine, and I applaud you. Don’t forget, I see you and the stop you made at Taco Bueno on your way home in your big ol’ Denali getting some party burritos and talking about how bad it is you are eating party burritos and that you don’t even let your kids eat them, but you don’t care tonight because you are on a GNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO and you’ll eat the quinoa you bought to make up for it!!!!!!

We will stop here for now, but there are more to come … believe me, the sarcasm wheels in this brain never stop turning. You keep doing you, and again know that this isn’t judgment, it’s a taking a step back to look at the ridiculous and wonderful things we do as women/moms. It’s a celebration of the unique beings that we are and remembering what Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Take the steps to laugh and realize that we are only here on this Earth for a short time and making the best of our time is what matters, and we don’t have to get so worked up about things that ultimately won’t matter in the long run.

What have you said, done, or heard that would fall into the world of  “Sarcasm & Peace”?