Carpool Chronicles: 5 Things NOT To Do In Line

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Attention: Have you ever waited in a carpool line?

Then you may be entitled to some compensation.

Because what in the Chrysler Town & Country is going on with the drop-offs these days?

Please tell me I’m not the only mom three minivans away from losing her salvation simply because not everyone knows the drill.

And by “drill,” I mean getting your kids out of the car like soldiers landing on the beaches of Normandy.

So until Chick-Fil-A hosts a seminar on how to master the line, I will be the one to show you the way.

Here are 5 things you should not do:

  1. Don’t be unprepared
    Listen, Candice. We all know little Paxton is the light of your life. But please hand him his mask, put on his shoes, and cover him in prayer BEFORE you get to the front of the line. Now is not the time to be unprepared, and we are not the ones to test. By the time you reach this point in the carpool journey, your kids should be ready to open the door and exit like a Navy Seal parachuting out the plane.
  2. Don’t make eye contact with me
    I’m not here for small talk or any talking for that matter. This is a business transaction as far as I’m concerned. My eagle has landed, and now Black Hawk has to get to work. Waving from a suitable distance? I’ll allow it. Thank you for your understanding in my time of transition.
  3. Don’t yell at your kids
    The last thing your kids need to hear before they exit the car is you flexing like Madea. You are setting the tone for their day, so be cognizant of how you speak to them. I’m not saying you should burn sage and listen to Enya, but it’s probably best to save the long lectures and lashing out for later. Let them leave feeling loved and encouraged. Like you, they are doing their best.
  4. Don’t – and I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT – cut in line
    I don’t know who needs to hear this, but cutting in line is bad #carma. No further explanation is needed. God bless.
  5. Don’t get distracted on your phone
    I see you, ordering more things on Amazon you don’t need. And that’s fine, but at what cost? My time and my sanity, that’s what. Please don’t get stuck looking at your phone and forget to focus on the task at hand: accelerating. Like a vehicular conveyer belt, we should be moving at all times. This is not a drill.

That’s it for this edition of the Carpool Chronicles.

Until next time, buckle up buttercup. Only the strong survive.

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