Bachelor’s in Wife-ing/Mom-ing: The Degree Track I SHOULD Have Taken

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degree

Time to get real honest folks.  I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mom of 2 hoodlums.  I felt like I was an asset in the workforce while I was there, I worked hard and could catch on to things very quickly.  But now we are going on 5 years since my last full time job and no one even cares what I did pre-kids.  I’m pretty sure most of my mom friends don’t even know what I got a degree in (BUSINESS you uncaring friends of mine!  Talk investments to me, Mark Cuban *swoon*) and I couldn’t even tell you the last time I used any smidgen of my higher education.  I don’t think my parents, or anyone that knew me my entire life, were surprised when I got married during college.  I’ve always loved school and learning, but I’ve always loved love, too.

I don’t want to say that my college degree has been a waste because maybe someday I will dust it off and use it, but I got to thinking what the degree track for wife-ing/mom-ing would look like, and what classes would have adequately prepared me for the actual course my life has taken.  I think it would have looked something like this:

A Bachelor’s Degree in Wife-ing and Mom-ing:

  • Freshman year, Focus: Marriage
    • Fall Semester
      • Intro to Marriage: Becoming a responsible adult while living in a fog of infatuation
      • Co-habitating with an Adult Male: (*Will also accept the course Co-habitating with a really cute zoo animal)
      • Becoming a Rockstar Wife: How to be everything you’ve seen on movies and such while maintaining a positive attitude
      • Putting Out When You’re Not 100% Into It: Tools and tricks
    • Spring Semester
      • Intro to Finding Couple Friends: How to choose friends with non-annoying spouses
      • Buying a House: How to gather up 2,934 random documents and sign your name 53 times in one sitting
      • Intro to Home Decor With a Spouse: Tips for hiding his weird stuff and basically doing whatever you want and getting away with it
      • Holidays With In-laws: Setting yourself up for success in the most awkward of circumstances
  • Sophomore year, Focus: Pregnancy
    • Fall Semester
      • Positive Test: What to do next after the swearing and initial shock
      • Fundamentals of Surviving With an Incredibly Heightened Gag Reflex
      • Pregnancy Nutrition: The food pyramid your baby wants you to follow
      • Putting Out During the One Hour Window You Aren’t Sick or Sleepy
    • Spring Semester
      • Basic Pressures of Being in Charge of a Small Human: The decisions you make even before birth
      • Anatomy and Evolution of Your Girl Bits: An in-depth journey of before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and after birth (*explicit)
      • Cataloging Unsolicited Mom Advice
      • Birth: the Truths, the Lies, the Untold
  • Junior year, Focus:  Motherhood Year One
    • Fall Semester
      • Breastfeeding: Nourishing Your Child While Delirious (*course only offered at 3am, please note: if you miss even one class your baby starves and you fail.)
      • Blowout Prep: How to assess, approach, and implement a plan of action
      • 6 weeks Postpartum: A Reluctant Return to the Game
      • Losing Yourself in Motherhood: A course in cold food, loss of hobbies, and friends who no longer call
    • Spring Semester
      • Mommy Fitness: Letting go of your old abs, embracing your new bladder
      • Pros and Cons of Online Forums: Lessons in mommy groups
      • Intro to Finding “Family” Friends:  How to choose friends with non-annoying spouses, similar parenting styles, and decently mannered children
      • Grieving Freedom: A course in letting go of leisure time, vacationing, and sleeping in
  • Senior year, Focus:  Toddlers
    • Fall Semester
      • Public Tantrums: Strategies to survive and not be blacklisted from retail locations
      • Advanced Home Decor: Interior design with an emphasis on incorporating large plastic toys accents
      • Worst Case Scenario: A study of all possible dangers you could have never imagined but your toddler may encounter
      • Psychology of the Mom Brain: Why we desire to have more children despite exhaustion, annoyance, and a lack of resources
    • Spring Semester
      • Surviving Potty Training: Lessons in patience and self-control pertaining to alcohol prior to 5pm
      • Abusive/Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics: Loving someone who bites you repeatedly but kisses it better
      • Toddler Related Arithmetic: Discover how a toddler can gain weight while only consuming 1 scrambled egg, 5 grapes, and 3 dum dums per day
      • Oops We Did It Again: Mentally preparing for a sibling

GRADUATION!!!

I don’t know that anything could have fully prepared me for what my life has become.  However, I do think that many of these “classes” would have given me a preview into what to expect.  If you are a fellow sufferer of the “Sallie Mae Regrets” from time to time, feel free to add some classes that you would have appreciated in this stage of life.  I look forward to seeing what y’all come up with!

 

A Degree in Marriage & Motherhood

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