An Apology Letter To My Oldest From Your Pregnant Mother

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To My First Born,

Sweet girl, I know you are so excited that Mommy has another baby in her tummy. You cannot wait to see if it’s a little sister or another little brother (though we all know you’re praying for a sister). You’re growing and changing so much right now and I’m sorry that I’m missing so much of it. But baby girl, Momma just can’t hang.

I know I should probably be writing this to you and your little brother, but right now, he doesn’t understand or observe the changes as obviously as you do. And, let’s face it, if it doesn’t have wheels or if Blippi isn’t singing about it, he doesn’t care.

I’m so tired ALL. THE. TIME. And this level of exhaustion is so much different than before I was pregnant. Before, Mommy was tired but I’d power through and play Barbies with you or we’d play Hungry, Hungry Hippos while Bubba napped or we’d search the backyard with your brother for interesting bugs. Now, all Momma can really do is watch from the sidelines.

When I stand up, I have to steady myself because of debilitating nausea and dizziness. When I bend over to look closer at the flowers you’ve found, I think I might puke. And when your brother is asleep, that’s what I want to do as well.

I’m sorry that you have to carry more responsibility right now, and that Mommy can’t be there for every single moment like I used to be. The guilt I have over missing so much of this precious time with you is sometimes more crippling than the nausea, headaches, and tiredness. I’m sorry our playtime has turned into “You Watch Netflix in Mommy and Daddy’s Bed While Mommy Naps” time.

And while I feel so guilty when you help your brother do things I should be doing (like washing his hands, pushing him on the swing, or kissing his boo-boos) it makes my cup runneth over to see what a kind, nurturing, and helpful little girl you’re becoming. And, to be honest, the fact that you’re taking on more responsibility for your own self-care: getting dressed with zero help—no matter how creative your choices are, taking a shower with minimal help, and brushing/flossing your teeth/mouth washing unassisted; it makes me incredibly proud because I know you’re learning new life skills that will help you to eventually become a responsible young adult.

Thank you for being such a sweet kid and telling me, “Mommy, how about you rest? I’ll play with Bubba for a while.” Thank you for being okay with snuggling up together to watch Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood instead of going to Jump Zone, and for showing me that maybe adding another kid to this family won’t be as overwhelming as it seems in my head.

And Dear One, the only thing that is getting me through this phase of pregnancy (and this phase of life to be honest) is clinging to the fact that this part will not last forever. Nausea will go away. The dizziness should {hopefully} go away. And soon, there will be another sibling for you to love and snuggle. I know you’re going to be an awesome big sister to the next arrow in our quiver and I can’t wait to see the three of you together. You’re a blessing, Sister.

Love, Mommy

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